Thursday, 01 October 2009

  • warning...whiny-ness ahead

    I have always seen myself as the kind of girl that you marry, not the kind of girl that you casually date/hook-up with…others have seen me this way also. I guess because that’s how I’ve viewed myself for so long that’ s one of the reasons why I’m having such a difficult time with things right now. I never envisioned that I would be nearing my 30th birthday and not only not married, but also without a man with some kind of significant involvement in my life. At some point I would be stupid to think that I wasn’t the problem, right? I mean, I’m the common denominator here.

    Let’s start with my most recent experience. He and I were friends in high school, but we didn’t even hang out outside of school. After hs I didn’t talk to him, much as the same with a lot of people. A few years ago he found me on myspace and so we became friends again and reacquainted ourselves as much as we could via the sporadic emails once every couple of months or so. He was married at the time, and I didn’t think anything of it. Once he filled out a quiz and I thought, “I hope she knows how lucky she is…too bad he’s married.” But that was that…he was married and I don’t touch that with a ten foot pole. Fast forward to 2007…he was getting a divorce. Yikes. That’s not good…that’s not something you ever want for those you care about…our friendship grew bc everyone wants to know that someone cares when they are in pain. Fast forward to 2008…our friendship grew even more and we eventually got to see each other again. Ha! I never thought that would happen, and I honestly didn’t think about him as anything more than a friend until I saw him. That day we hung out though, yikes. I knew I was in trouble. Ha. 2009 we spent more time texting, emailing, talking, and what-have-you and I got to see him again. Went on a fun trip and visited him in his domain. That really was a great trip I got to see and do a lot of things that I never had the opportunity to do before. And…he respected me and my choices which I very much appreciated. That was nice…then we got to see each other a few weeks ago and that was good too…except that I was a little hurt that our time was cut short before it seemed like it even began. We talked about that – I told him he’d hurt my feelings and he apologized. Things were ok after that until one week ago tonight…we were joking around and apparently I hit a sore spot and didn’t even know it. I called to apologize but he was already done for the night…I haven’t heard from him since. Not a peep. It makes me so sad because not only is he the guy I’m interested in, he really is one of my best friends. I don’t know why we haven’t talked in a week, all I can deduce is that he’s done and that hurts. He could be busy, or still upset (I think this is very unlikely), or have found someone closer to home he’s interested in, but the thing he’s not a jerk and he has no reason to be dishonest nor do I ever think that he would be…he’s never shown himself to be spineless (which would be the case if he’d found someone closer to home), heartless, or an a$$ of any variety so I really don’t know what the deal is…but all I know is his silence hurts. I would contact him, but I feel I'm always the one initiating things and I don't like that...and that's not true, I don't always initiate contact, but I feel I do a good portion of the time. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe he sees things completely differently and I wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't know either cause he hasn't told me...of course that goes back to I haven't asked...but...do I have to be the one to ask all the time? It's a vicious, ridiculous cycle I know. That's me.

    People say a lot of nice things to me, thinking that they’re helping, but really, those words just kind of hurt even more…it hurts when everyone but the one person you really want to see the greatness about you doesn’t. I know I should be thankful that there are so many who do see me and love me in all my ridiculousness and I am…but I really wish he did too.

     

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