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Tuesday, 26 January 2010

  • big mouth

    i have a big mouth, as just about anyone who knows me can affirm...well, let me rephrase that...i like to talk...and i'll talk to just about anybody about almost anything...but...maybe i should quit doing this. maybe i should learn to keep my mouth shut, and never share my heartaches and sorrows OR my joys and gladness with others...maybe i should bottle things up inside so that i don't have to listen to so many people telling me what is so right or (moreso, ALWAYS) wrong with any given situation in my life. see...that's the thing...it's my life and whatever decision i choose to make should be fine, right? i am a grown-up after all (although i'll be the first to admit i don't always "feel" like a grown-up). my friends and family should stick by me no matter what i choose, right? just like i've stuck by them? i guess in a perfect world...but we do not live in a perfect world and so i'm left with listening to doubts, and in turn doubting myself...i hate that...i'm freaking awesome and so what if i choose poorly once or twice or five hundred times? isn't it important that i make the choice and learn from it??? i mean, cause you know, i always thought that was important...to make a decision and learn from it, regards of whatever the results are...do i want disasterous results? absolutely not...but i'd rather have disasterous results and learn from them (as hard and difficult a process as that may be) than to regret not having chosen to do something...i do that far too often...regret NOT doing something...so i'm going to do whatever i'm going to do...and i just hope my people will still be there, whatever the result...

Monday, 14 December 2009

  • Right Now...

    i want things/people i cannot have...and perhaps shouldn't have...who knows.

    i don't understand how i can be so stupid and not use the brain God gave me...there definitely comes a time when actions speak louder than words, no matter how nice you think those words may be...if there is no action behind them, they are meaningless...i wonder if i'll ever grab this concept...before i get hurt...because if someone truly cared, i'd know right? there would be no doubt in my mind because their actions would show that...instead of the opposite...that's a hard pill for me to swallow right now.

    i have done almost *no* Christmas shopping.

    i may or may not be doing some things in the near future to spite someone...but i hope not...spite is not a good motivation to do things and i think that would make me an ugly person...you know...a person with an ugly heart...i mean, i'm going to do these things, and i think a few days ago my intention was spite...but now...i think it's not that so much as something i don't want to write down here...actually...i know i won't do them any more to spite someone because not only is that wrong, it would have the potential to hurt others and that's not right...i do not need to hurt others just because i am hurt...

    i feel extremely stupid (see above where i don't understand how i can be so stupid).

    i am up waaaaay too late on a sunday night since i'm working 2 jobs and have plans every night except for one this week...eye yi yi!

    hung out with some new peeps tonight and that was a great time...thanks amanda, erin and brittany.

    hung out with an old friend last night (she called at the last minute and had rolled into town for a party) and that was very good...i will miss her when she moves to NY at the end of this month (she's gonna be a doctor! i know a doctor!) for her internship.

    would like for things to work out...quickly. ha. hurry up and wait.

    that is all.

     

Thursday, 01 October 2009

  • warning...whiny-ness ahead

    I have always seen myself as the kind of girl that you marry, not the kind of girl that you casually date/hook-up with…others have seen me this way also. I guess because that’s how I’ve viewed myself for so long that’ s one of the reasons why I’m having such a difficult time with things right now. I never envisioned that I would be nearing my 30th birthday and not only not married, but also without a man with some kind of significant involvement in my life. At some point I would be stupid to think that I wasn’t the problem, right? I mean, I’m the common denominator here.

    Let’s start with my most recent experience. He and I were friends in high school, but we didn’t even hang out outside of school. After hs I didn’t talk to him, much as the same with a lot of people. A few years ago he found me on myspace and so we became friends again and reacquainted ourselves as much as we could via the sporadic emails once every couple of months or so. He was married at the time, and I didn’t think anything of it. Once he filled out a quiz and I thought, “I hope she knows how lucky she is…too bad he’s married.” But that was that…he was married and I don’t touch that with a ten foot pole. Fast forward to 2007…he was getting a divorce. Yikes. That’s not good…that’s not something you ever want for those you care about…our friendship grew bc everyone wants to know that someone cares when they are in pain. Fast forward to 2008…our friendship grew even more and we eventually got to see each other again. Ha! I never thought that would happen, and I honestly didn’t think about him as anything more than a friend until I saw him. That day we hung out though, yikes. I knew I was in trouble. Ha. 2009 we spent more time texting, emailing, talking, and what-have-you and I got to see him again. Went on a fun trip and visited him in his domain. That really was a great trip I got to see and do a lot of things that I never had the opportunity to do before. And…he respected me and my choices which I very much appreciated. That was nice…then we got to see each other a few weeks ago and that was good too…except that I was a little hurt that our time was cut short before it seemed like it even began. We talked about that – I told him he’d hurt my feelings and he apologized. Things were ok after that until one week ago tonight…we were joking around and apparently I hit a sore spot and didn’t even know it. I called to apologize but he was already done for the night…I haven’t heard from him since. Not a peep. It makes me so sad because not only is he the guy I’m interested in, he really is one of my best friends. I don’t know why we haven’t talked in a week, all I can deduce is that he’s done and that hurts. He could be busy, or still upset (I think this is very unlikely), or have found someone closer to home he’s interested in, but the thing he’s not a jerk and he has no reason to be dishonest nor do I ever think that he would be…he’s never shown himself to be spineless (which would be the case if he’d found someone closer to home), heartless, or an a$$ of any variety so I really don’t know what the deal is…but all I know is his silence hurts. I would contact him, but I feel I'm always the one initiating things and I don't like that...and that's not true, I don't always initiate contact, but I feel I do a good portion of the time. Maybe I'm wrong...maybe he sees things completely differently and I wouldn't doubt it. I wouldn't know either cause he hasn't told me...of course that goes back to I haven't asked...but...do I have to be the one to ask all the time? It's a vicious, ridiculous cycle I know. That's me.

    People say a lot of nice things to me, thinking that they’re helping, but really, those words just kind of hurt even more…it hurts when everyone but the one person you really want to see the greatness about you doesn’t. I know I should be thankful that there are so many who do see me and love me in all my ridiculousness and I am…but I really wish he did too.

     

Friday, 31 July 2009

  • i feel the need to write some things down...i don't know where to start so we'll see what happens...

    my mom was robbed tuesday night. in her driveway. by some clown with a gun. i can't begin to tell you all the crazy scary feelings i've had since then. fyi-mom is safe...dude took her purse, and thankfully, that was all. i don't know about for you, but for me my mom is one of the most, if not the most, important people in my life...i can't imagine life without my mom-nor do i want to...i'd been really missing my family the week prior to this, so when it happened i thought, "i need to go home and just give mom a hug." so that is what i did. i went to houston because that's where my family is...that's where my heart is...i guess even after being away for so long i still consider it "home" even though my life is currently elsewhere...anyway, back to mom...so after the guy took her purse and ran out of the driveway she ran after him!!! she ran after him down the driveway until she saw him jump in an suv down the street and then thought, "hmm, i don't know how many are in there..." suffice to say the cops were called, and everything that goes with that...cards cancelled, accounts closed, etc...but what a pain in the buttocks you know? to try and think of everything that was in her purse and try to make sure you've got all your tracks covered...i'm just thankful that mom wasn't hurt (because heads would totally be rolling...). it could've been a lot worse than what it was...on a kind-of-unrelated note-mom was robbed when she was pregnant with my brother, and also when she was pregnant with me...ERGO SHE MUST BE PREGNANT!! she didn't seem to enjoy my conclusion :) hahahaha. i think her exact words were "i''m not sarah" (as in, from the Bible).

    earlier this month i took a trip to dc. i took a trip to a city i'd never been to and saw someone i've never really spent much time with (but i know this person in real life, no worries). i had a great time (as did my friend)...and there's so much i could write about this trip, but i don't know that this is necessarily the place to do that. i hope good things continue to come from this trip and from this person but only time will tell...so i guess we shall see. i've never been really good at waiting, even though waiting has usually proved decent results...and not that waiting in this case really implies that something is necessarily going to happen one-way or another, but i'm just in a waiting stage i guess...i'll stop writing about this now before i write something ridiculously stupid :) hee hee.

    a little sad tonight because i found out a friend of mine who was supposed to come visit me next week is unable to. however, i totally agree that it is imparative to have ac in texas summers, so i'm all about her getting a new one for her house ;) but it's still sad because for some reason i don't get very many visitors. boo. people are always welcome at mi casa, but they can't come bc of budgetary reasons (completely understandable), or because their significant other doesn't want them to (LAME), or we can't seem to get our schedules straight (also LAME...but not nearly as lame as the other). anyway, hopefully we'll be able to work out a time later when she can come and see me. 

    i guess that's it for now...still a lot more on my mind...but...thinking about shutting down the xanga shop...we shall see...

    ps-hello to the person from virginia who checked out all my pulses...

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

  • what the?!?!!?

    so. it's been awhile. like almost 6 months since i've blogged. that's just a little bit crazy, don't you think? i do...hee hee.

    this year has been just that...a little bit crazy. there's been so much that's happened i wouldn't even know where to start...some of it has been good, some of it has been bad, some of it has been both bad and good...some of it i never thought would happen...some of what's going on right now i still can't believe is happening...life is weird like that, you know?

Aloudhendo

  • Visit Aloudhendo's Xanga Site
    • Member Since: 4/28/2005

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